Hands up if you’re a worrier.
You aren’t alone. And the act of parenting a child through poor mental health means that often we’d love the typical teenage worries as we battle experience and emotions that many parents can’t even conceive of.
According to wikipedia, worry “refers to the thoughts, images, emotions, and actions of a negative nature in a repetitive, uncontrollable manner that results from a proactive cognitive risk analysis made to avoid or solve anticipated potential threats and their potential consequences.”
(No, me either! How to make something simple, complex!)
Basically, worry is a thief of the present moment, of a sense of control and of peace. Over time, it stops us believing we are capable of making change or creating solutions. It changes how we anticipate events and how we interact with others. And it keeps us stuck in a place where nothing has happened, but we carry the weight as if it had already come to bear.
Parenting a child struggling with their mental health is a study in worrying. The uncertainty of what might come next, or not. The extrapolations our mind creates can cause us to ponder an unlikely kaleidoscope of future what ifs. Worry becomes a part of the fabric of our lives, our minds, and our thought processes. Excessive worry is the basis for anxiety, so a simple concern can lead to our own mental health to decline. It can lead us to settle for less than we or our child deserves, because worry decides what volume we live life at. It can lead us to wrap our life around the things we worry about, in an attempt to control them. It can lead to us being consumed by a life we’ve not yet lived, in an attempt to control what happens next.
Worrying is definitely not good for us.
And it’s not good for our child either.
When we display excessive worry about our child, we can make them concerned about things that weren’t on their radar, we can show them that the world is challenging and that we and they can’t cope, and that their own future, as yet unwritten, isn’t the bright, brilliant, full of potential one that it is.
Worry can manifest as tension in our bodies - tension headaches, stomach aches, or feeling out of sorts - and like trauma, can remain in out bodies so that we’re never far from the thought becoming a feeling and the feeling becoming our reality.
Some worry is actually good for us - as it shows we are assessing risk and on guard to make changes where we need to. But worrying about your child’s potential for university when they’re 13 takes us from this moment, the only one we really have, into one we have neither control over nor the justification to worry about now.
So, how do we stop worrying about the things we shouldn’t worry about?
Here are a few ways:
- Write your worries down and categorise them. Worrying is natural, but over-worrying isn’t, so if we can get a sense of the shape and scope of our worries it can give us some perspective. Get a piece of paper and draw a line down the centre. Write 2 column headings - things I can change today, things I can’t change today - and see what pops up in your mind. Write them down and then cut the paper in half and tear up the half you can’t change today. Or if you know you’ll worry about what was on that piece of paper, fold it up and put it somewhere where you’ll need it close. Maybe you worry most when you wake in the middle of the night - pop the paper in your bedside drawer so you can calm your mind on the things you can’t change now.
- Schedule time to worry - a study at Penn State University concluded that the test group who had set a time and a time limit for worry had less worry and anxiety than the group that didn’t. Pick a 10 minute slot for worry and see what difference it makes. If you try it for 2 weeks, you should see a difference in your mood, mind, and sleep.
- Unpick the worries - are they realistic? Founded in some truth? Worth worrying about? Can you do something about them? Using problem solving can help you change up how you consider the things that keep you awake at night. Maybe ask a different question, think how you’d advise a friend in a similar situation, or consider what you’d do if there were no barriers. Even though the barriers still exist, it might just help you to see an alternative way forward - or an alternative response.
- Personify Worry - when we personify the narrative in our minds, it makes it easier to distinguish between unhelpful and helpful thoughts. Negative Nancy, Moaning Mavis or Worry-wart Wanda need a talking to sometimes, so don’t be afraid to challenge the voice that causes you worry. Ask yourself - is this realistic? Is this helpful? Is this true? It’s likely that it isn’t.
- Time boxing - time boxing is a concept that has helped many parents to live in the moment when the moment is heavy and hard. If we can scoop up all the elements that cause us worry - the big ‘what ifs’, the small ‘what mights’, and the ‘probably won’t ever happen but let’s worry about it anyways’ - and writing these down, mind mapping or drawing them can help - then we can put them away for now, and come back to them at a later date. This is often enough to give ourselves permission to begin to ease up on over-worrying. Find yourself a box - literal or metaphorical - and pack them away. Decide on a date when you’ll revisit the worries and you’ll probably find that even if the situation hasn’t changed, the space and permission you’ve given yourself to not worry will mean that you have.
- Shine a light on them…worry, like shame and mushrooms, grows in dark spaces where there is little light or consideration. Share with others in the PMH community, call a friend, call a helpline - shine some light on your feelings and things will be less heavy. We are here to listen.
- In his book, How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, Dale Carnegie says “one of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon — instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.” And to do this, we need to be present. Being still, getting outside, meditating, being mindful, or being grateful each day can all help with this. So take 10 minutes and close your eyes. Focus on your breath. Imagine beautiful colourful light flooding your body as you inhale. And with each exhale, let the worry and the fear and the anxiety leave you.
