As we drove up the M6 on a bright sunny day in September 2019 to take our daughter to university, I felt a huge sense of achievement - and stomach churning anxiety. Just 4 short years before, Issy had become depressed and suicidal after a period of sustained bullying at school, leading to 2 years out of education and a whole wilderness of pain for her, and for us. 

But here we were, against the odds, hurtling towards a fresh start with everything from the prerequisite coloured plates (so they don’t get appropriated) to a full body hot water bottle (possibly not so necessary) ready for an experience that I naively hoped would be like a young adult version of Mallory Towers. Connection, challenges, life changing growth. 

But to consider the university experience for our child to be the deliverer of all the things they may have missed - friendships and relationships, opportunities to work or volunteer, a chance to become independent - can make more of it than is realistic, to them and to us. Removing the expectations of it can be more helpful than we think. 

University really isn’t like college or school so if your child’s mental health has been poor or challenged their ability to greet the world in positive or purposeful ways, you can naturally worry that they’ll be isolated away from home; they won’t have the support they do from you and others; that this might not be the great adventure we’re all told it is. 

So how can we approach this in a way that supports them and helps us to come to terms with the enormous challenges your child may have overcome to get there or the very real, very natural fears we hold for them? 

Do it their way

I said to my daughter from the earliest hints that university might be something she would consider that we would do it her way. Live there, commute, or a hybrid mix of home and halls, however she needed to find a place of safety (literally and metaphorically) we would support it. Take a year out. Do a different course. We were curious about what worked for her. After all, she was the customer - she was paying for it. 

There is no one size fits all for university. It’s less structured and there’s less oversight and this can give you flexibility to find ways to help your child succeed. I’ve had friends whose children have commuted to university (on the two days they have lectures - for £9250 a year - don’t get me started on the fees!) Issy lived on campus and then in houses with friends. She also came home when she needed time and space and logged in online. I went and visited her most weeks, because it gave her the comfort of consistent connection with the benefit of her having her own space. 

Challenging our thoughts as parents on what is ‘the right thing to do’ based on the common sense and asking ‘what is the right thing for our child in these circumstances and at this time?’ can be really helpful. And it may go against the norm and we need to be ok with that. Of course we want the very best experience for them, but maybe our ‘best experience’ isn’t theirs? Ask them what they want. They may not know, but showing your openness to find a way that works best for them feels really supportive and if they do want a break or a course change, it will make that much easier for them. 

Communicate 

Communication is the key to connection and if your child is away from home, it can be hard to maintain the closeness you’ve built up over years. You may think that your child doesn’t want to hear from you - and depending on your relationship, maybe some space to settle is the right thing. But maintaining the sense that they haven’t suddenly and miraculously stepped into adulthood, and should now have all the answers simply by going to university, can help bring you closer and ease your child into uni life and the challenges they will inevitable face without extra pressure. If we allow our child to share how they’re struggling with the uni systems, or that they haven’t managed to use the cookbook you sent so have been ordering in, or they feel deeply anxious about going to a lecture because they don’t know anyone and everyone seems to know each other - without fixing it or expecting them to - we can empower them to make mistakes, which is how we learn, and find solutions that suit them. 

Another challenge can be that the university won’t speak to you about your child without their consent. And if they’re away and feeling that they should be able to deal with what’s going on (remember the unspoken pressure they may feel to now ‘adult’ as they’re at uni) it can be hard to get them to agree after the fact, especially if they’re really struggling as they may feel they’re letting you down, which, of course, they’re not. 

Find out how the university deals with parents and sharing of information and have a conversation before they leave. Your child has a right to privacy, but if you are concerned about their ability to problem solve - for example, asking for an extension for work - suggesting it before they go may take some of the pressure off. And while they’ll get a university email address that you won’t have access to, ask your child if it would help them to set up a new shared account so you can help them with forms, prescriptions, tenancy agreements, etc. 

And our best communication isn’t always verbal - send them a card or a little parcel - chocolate was always a welcome treat. Maybe consider taking your child and a friend out for coffee or a meal once a term so you see them and see them in their own environment and hold the questions and allow them to share. Agree an emoji that says ‘I’m struggling' without explicitly saying it. Agree an emoji that says I’m good but I’m busy. If you can remain indirectly connected, via non-questioning texts or by sending a card or asking other family and friends to keep in touch - you’ll allow your child to determine the cadence of their communication with you, while maintaining the connection. And that gives them the space to find their voice and understand where your relationship goes next. It is a time of change and that’s ok. It can be a bit of a dance as they settle into the newness, but your consistent, non-judgemental presence will help. 

Get support in place 

There is growing support now at universities for mental health and it’s a good idea to find out what is on offer, before it might be needed. Search Student Wellbeing and the university name and you should see what’s on offer. What we found was that it was low level support that helped in certain circumstances but we also needed to have our own plans of action when things cropped up.

Ensure the university is aware of your child’s mental health - with their consent. Whether they have a diagnosis or not, it’s important to share with the university. Your child won’t be treated differently, but they should be more supported because of it.  

If your child is moving away, look into the GP service either on campus or suggested by the university and as soon as the place and accommodation is confirmed, look into registering. It can take some time, and we found that when September came, and Freshers Flu did the rounds, it was several weeks’ wait to get on the list. There are several really helpful services to share with your child. Maybe pop them on a postcard and pop them on the pinboard when you move them in or text them the details. The links for Nightline, the Samaritans, Kooth and TheMix are at the end of this article. 

I’d encourage you to consider DSA - Disability Support Allowance - if you’re in the UK. Any mental health condition that has lasted, or is likely to last, 12 months or more is covered along with long term illnesses or other disabilities. Don’t think that poor mental health isn’t covered - under the Equalities Act 2010, it is a disability, and as such, there is support out there to help your child. DSA doesn’t need to be paid back and can pay for specialist equipment, for example a computer if you need one because of your disability, non medical helpers, travel and other support to help you study. There’s a link about it in the Resources below. 

And finally, you.

As your child sets out on this new stage, so do you. And that can be scary. It can be really emotionally challenging and you can feel adrift in all the positivity surrounding this. 

So, allow yourself to feel - apprehensive, happy, proud, worried, unsure. This is a whole new phase for both of you - and allowing whatever comes up is more helpful than trying to ignore or deny the natural emotions when change happens. It’s ok to miss them and it’s ok to not. Things are changing and change can be hard, but it can also be exciting. 

Whatever you’re feeling at the moment, you’re not alone. Parenting Mental Health is here to help, to listen and to support. Our community especially for these transitional times - PMH New Beginnings - is ready to welcome you. It’s a safe space to share your concerns, explore your thoughts and be sad, be happy, be proud, and all the emotions in between.

This isn’t the end of what you know. It’s the start of what can be. Here’s to new beginnings. For our child, and for us too.