I have started to ask myself a question every day:
“What do I need?”
When was the last time you asked yourself that question? And when was the last time you allowed yourself to listen to the answer?
At first, my answers were outlandish and unrealistic: 3 weeks on a Maldavian island, preferably with Pierce Brosnan. A winning lottery ticket. To be a size 12 ( that brought me to my senses!) I enjoyed dreaming of these. It was pure escape as I struggled to connect with what I really needed. We tend to go to the things that we think will make us happy, that we’ve been told will fill that hole within. But actually, do they?
Well, for the purposes of research, I am happy to go to the Maldives with Pierce Brosnan and report back. You’re welcome!
But of course, what we seek isn’t found in fast fixes. It’s found in the conscious presence of noticing what we feel and allowing whatever that is to be.
With time and patience, the answers I heard began to change.
- I needed stability, connection, compassion.
- I needed space, permission, time.
- I needed acceptance and forgiveness and hope.
As the days and weeks passed, the answers became more meaningful, more personal to me, and more helpful as I began to consider change.
Some days, I needed permission to go to bed at 7.30pm. And I’ve given it to myself.
Some days, I needed to allow myself to set down by anxieties and immerse myself in Nigella’s luscious life and language by watching the whole of her series in 2 sittings. ‘I call anything I cut a coin’. ‘Quackling’ for the crispy duck skin was genius! And don’t get me started on meecrowahvay! What joy those words brought. I giggled to myself as I cut a coin of bread, and felt a sense of connection to a world outside of my own.
Other days, I needed to take myself off to bed during the day with my headphones and Matthew McConaghey telling me a Calm sleep story of Wonder. No judgement. Just tapping into a pure and necessary need.
Each time I leaned into the question of what I, Suzanne Alderson, needed, I found a little more self acceptance, self compassion and self knowledge. And that felt strange. And then it felt good.
I understand that when life is hard, our go to is to double down on efforts for everyone else’s benefit. Fix the world and then we’ll have time for us. Worrying more can make us feel that we’re doing the right thing by our families. But actually, by meeting our own needs - sometimes merely by acknowledging them and our right to them - we can be better parents, people and selves. We can be more present, more connected, more alive.
Today, I’d love you to ask yourself the simplest question: “What do I need?”
And to listen to what comes up. It might be straightforward - to get the washing done so you can relax a little this afternoon. Or it might be a clue to a deeper need within you.
I found that by asking myself the question over 30 days, I learned a lot about what I need and who I am. I’ve realised that I’d lost sight of some of the activities that had brought me enormous satisfaction and helped to keep my mental health in good order. Daily writing, morning walks, permission to let things go without having to make it all right - these are my meditations, my self care.
What are yours?
- What do you need for your heart and soul to be fuller, especially when you’re weary and worn down?
- How can you listen to your needs - even if you can’t necessarily act upon them all today?
I see weariness, disconnection, and uncertainty in so many of us and I truly believe that the brave act of asking this simple yet deeply curious question is key to reconnecting and recharging ourselves. And if we are courageous enough to hear what it is we need, maybe we can be outrageous enough to begin to meet our needs, as well as those of our families. It’s not a magic wand - if only we had one of those - but it can help us to see that our needs are valid.
You deserve the love and care and consideration that you give to everyone else.
And maybe a fortnight in the Maldives too! You really do.
